Antonio, I Hate You
by Mokuba12
Summary: Antonio, there's a whole bunch of things I'd like to say to your dumb face. But I'll have to say them when you find me. (A story in which Lovino runs away in hopes of finally getting Antonio's affection)
1. I Hate You

"Antonio, I hate you." It's an easy sentence really. And so easy to say, or spell. But it's hard to mean, especially when it's you. But it's because of you I have to say it. It's because of the way you call me your little tomato. It's because of the way you make me feel safe. It's because of the way you talk to me. The way you let me out of my chores. The way you do anything! And I hate it!

Toni, you make me feel wanted… and that's hard to deal with. You make it easy to laugh and be carefree, even if I don't want to be. I know I complain a lot and I probably whine. I'm probably a big pain in the ass and you don't care about that – but I want to be somebody useful to you. I want to make you feel the way I feel.

I want to make my existence, not a burden to you.

For you I want to be somebody useful, who isn't annoying, who can complete their chores, and cook for you… I want to be everything I'm not.

I hate everything about you. I hate the way you know when I walk in a room, or when I leave and you don't even have to look. I hate how when I'm scared you do everything you can to make it all seem better, even if I know it isn't really. I hate how you know when something's wrong the moment it happens. I hate that you're so damn perfect! At least you are to me…

I know you're stupid sometimes, with some of the things you say, or sometimes the way you act. I know you make stupid choices at times, such as going away with Gilbert and Francis. I know that you expect me to do things sometimes, and occasionally I do. I know that you're caring and kind. I know that I know everything about you from your breathing pattern and the step of your foot, to the way you stop talking when you're upset and only use your head to say yes and no. I know all of the things you're allergic to and I stopped eating those things. I know the things to make you angry and the things to make you smile. And really it's such a stupid smile… but when I see it – I can't help but feel happy. And more important than everything else – I know that we love each other. I know that I love you, but I know that it's hard for me to show. I want to, I really do.

I want to treat you like Feli does with that German bastard…. But it's so hard! I'm just scared of the things that might happen… or might _not_ happen…

I want you to worry about me like I do for you every moment I can't see your stupid face. I want you to care about me so much it hurts, like I do for you. I want you to do all the things that I do for you that you don't even see!

But it's because of those things that you don't see that I'm leaving. I'm not sure where I'll go… but I know it's someplace you won't look…

Goodbye Antonio.


	2. The Little Runaway

_I sigh as I push open his door. Clutching my blanket around me, having taken off my clothes, I walk nearer to his bed._

"_Antonio" I mumble pushing stray hairs out of his eyes._

_An eye peeks open and examines me, "What is it my little tomato?" he says with that curiosity and concern in his voice._

"_Just wanted to sleep here tonight." I say. He shuffles over and I climb in immediately pressing my forehead to his._

"_You're acting different tonight Lovi." He says sliding a hand up my back, resting it just below my shoulder blades, "Is something wrong?"_

_I take his face in my hands, "Does there need to be something wrong for me to want to be close?" I don't wait for his answer and I press my lips to his, shortly but surely._

"_Lovino?" he breaths pulling away, and snuggling me into his arms, "I just don't know what goes on in your head sometimes…"_

_I lean into his chest and just listen to the pounding. I'm never sure if it's his beat or mine. This time I hear two rhythms, beating together, threatening to make one. I wonder if this is true love?_

"_Antonio," I sternly say, "I want you to know that I love you." I pause, "Even when we're apart."_

_He moves around a little, "We won't ever be apart. You know that." He presses his stupid lips to my cheek and then drifts off._

That was last night. That was me saying goodbye without being told I can't leave. That was me, showing the me I wish I had the courage to be with everyone – expressing what I truly feel instead of hiding behind my cruel words.

Now I am throwing on clothes and packing a few things frantically before Antonio wakes. He doesn't need me to wake him. He doesn't need me to make him breakfast. He doesn't need me to set up his bath. He doesn't need _me_. Those were all things I needed from him at one time, but now the only time I need is time alone. That is what I will get, no matter what. If I have to cross the world with him on my tail I will.

Stepping out into the breeze I feel somewhat ashamed of what I'm doing, but I know it's for the best for both of us. I'm not sure where I'll go, maybe to see Ivan or Alfred. I can't go to someone who would send me back to Antonio like Feli and his damn Germans. All I know is that it's time for Antonio to learn what it feels like to _want_ something so bad, just like I have… every single night since I was a child.


	3. Going Home

I can feel it – I'm slowly slipping away. The longer I stay away the more evident my demise becomes. Antonio is lost, he questions my very existence. He shouldn't, but it's evident he does. My hunch was right in saying he would go straight to Feli. I know because I'm sitting in Ivan's parlour with him and Yao. Yao got a call from Kiku saying I was missing and asking if he knew where I was. And yet, as Yao looked me right in the eye – he lied. He told Kiku he'd keep an eye out for me, and hadn't seen me yet, all the while we held gazes.

It was then that I realized that even though Ivan was among the scariest people at those stupid world meetings, he was one of the one's with the biggest heart; Yao too. I won't say that I like them – because I don't. But today they earned my trust, and that's at least one step.

"Lovino." Ivan says, "Do you actually have a plan? Or is it all just running and hiding, da?"

I shrug back, acting as if the question means nothing.

"Really, aru?" Yao asks, "You just decided to run away? Why?"

I blink rapidly, trying to fight off the tears I know are coming, "It's complicated." I mumble.

Ivan contemplates something for a moment, then leans forward on his knees, "You love him, da? Why run away then?"

The room spins quickly, my mug slides from my hands and crashes onto the floor, my ears start to ring, my heart pounds and I hear my blood pulse. Everything sounds like it's underwater.

"Ivan!" Yao shrieks catching my shoulder as I slip forward. It feels like even though my body was caught my soul kept falling, "It's Feliciano, aru!" Yao continues to yell, hauling my dead weight – well trying to – back into the chair, "Without Lovino there, Feliciano will control everything!"

Ivan pulls me into his arms, vaguely I think of Antonio doing the same thing so I lean into it the best I can. I'm trying to fight him too because I know it's Ivan. He smells like vodka as he speaks, "We've got to call Antonio! Get him here and-"

"NO!" I scream over the pounding in my ears, threatening to tear my brain apart, "I can't see him!" I finally get enough strength to thrash around.

Ivan grasps me tighter to him and begins walking, "Lovino," he says in a soft voice, "your time is running out."

I was frustrated with the kindness and the fact I have no clue what Feli has to do with this, "Who gives a damn about time!" I roar.

He abruptly turns into a room with a chair and tosses me into it, strapping me down for what I assume is _my own safety_.

Yao rests a hand on my forehead, "Let me rephrase this…" he whispers lightly, as if he is the one fighting off tears, "you are starting to disappear… forever."

My dam breaks and my tears come rushing out, "So let me get this straight." I choke, "By not going back, I can prove Antonio wrong and… and _die_?"

Ivan nods and Yao quickly asks, "What exactly are you proving, aru?"

I think about that for a moment. What the hell _am_ I proving?

"I think it's time to go home, da?" Ivan smiles awkwardly, his hand wavering over whether to take mine or not.

I nod weakly, "Thank you." I croak, "But can we keep this little visit between us?"

They both nod in agreement as they undo the straps.

I gather my things and step out into the cold. I snuggle deeper into my coat. Ivan waves as Yao bids me a safe trip home.

...

But that's the thing – I'm still not _going home._


	4. Kicking and Screaming

It takes a while, but soon I find myself at Arthur's. It's risky I know because Francis comes around lots, and once he knows, everyone will know.

Arthur opens the door, "Lovino?" he blinks, "What are you doing here?"

I quickly cast my eyes away from him, but he looks down at my bag sitting at my feet, "I see I have a little runaway on my hands."

I stay quiet but he picks up my bag and leads me into his hallway. It's much nicer than at home, but then again he probably cleans it all himself.

"You smell like an alcoholic." He declares, I don't even have to breathe to agree. I know he's right, Ivan's whole house smells like vodka, "Shower time."

He leads me to the bathroom. I stand in the stream of water for a bit. It's been about three days since the last time I showered when Antonio refused to shower without me. My heart hurts at the thought of his name, but I've made up my mind already. There's no turning back.

Glancing around I see that there's two distinctive halves of the shower. One has the same brand of shampoo and conditioner repeatedly. The other has brand names of shit on commercials and it's all colourful and fruity smelling. I can only guess that's Francis' half. I don't know when he started living here, but apparently he has judging by the amount of shit he keeps _in the shower_. I don't even want to imagine what's in the kitchen… I use Arthur's shampoo side, just to keep it simple. I don't even dare a look at the other side.

Shutting off the water and stepping out I see a set of pyjama's folded next to a nice looking towel. I quickly dry off and throw on the clothes. They fit a little loosely but still comfortably. When I open the door Arthur's waiting on the other side.

"This way," he says, beginning to stride down the hall, "I think it's time we talk."

I'm not sure why he's being so nice, he's usually a pain in the ass and I am seriously in no mood to talk.

He hands me a cup of Earl Grey (whatever that is) and sits me in an overstuffed leather chair by the fire, "I don't need to talk." I mutter, taking a sip of the bitter liquid.

"Good," he replies leaning back into the chair opposite me, "then just listen." He crosses a leg over the other like a girl, "Everyone's gotten a call." He takes a sip from his cup.

Suddenly I just can't take everything, "So what?" I yell, "What the hell does that have to do with me!?"

"It was from Antonio." He states, and my heart skips a beat, "He's very convinced you've been kidnapped. He's worried himself sick and Francis went to stay with him. You've been gone for maybe forty-eight hours and already he won't eat, won't sleep. All he talks about is ways to find you."

The ringing comes back in my ears and my heart starts pounding again.

"I think you've been through enough today though, so I won't call him." Arthur affirms, "How about food and bed?" he hands me a sandwich, probably premade by Francis, and I don't even question what's on it as I shovel it into my mouth. I haven't eaten since yesterday morning.

Arthur then leads me to the guest room and I see my clothes folded on the bed, he's already had them washed. I walk over, throw them on the floor, and fall into the bed.

"You know," he muses, taking a sip of tea, "you'll have to face the reality soon."

He turns to go and before I can even process what's happening my body is shaking and I'm screaming and cursing in Italian. I hear a shatter and fast paced footsteps.

"Lovino!" Arthur shouts, but it sounds underwater again, "Fight the feeling!" he screams but it sounds just above a whisper. I can feel his hands pressing my shoulders into the mattress, in what I assume is an attempt to stop my shaking, even though it's not doing shit all, "Don't give in!"

Somehow, as he strokes my hair and tries to stop my shaking and screaming, I know what he means. It's the feeling of a country slipping away. A feeling we all see so easily now. One that we don't take lightly. After Gilbert, nobody ever fought so hard to keep everyone at peace. But I know what it all means now.

...

It's my death.


	5. Short Encounters

I wake up and the first thing I see is Arthur leaning on the bed from the floor. He must've fallen asleep trying to make sure I was okay. I don't know why people are taking such great lengths to make sure that I'm fine.

But that's when I start thinking; _why am I dying?_ Really, it's an honest question. I don't know. But I think it might have something to do that I honestly have no say over my country anyway; much like Gilbert when he disappeared. I think what it is, is that because Antonio usually takes over everything, and Feliciano does too - because Ludwig makes him - that I'm not really needed anymore. But I already knew that.

I dart off the other side of the bed, careful not to wake Arthur. I have no idea how long he's slept. I pull a blanket off the bed and drape it around his shoulders. My stomach rumbles. I try to wander my way to the kitchen, but then I hear a cup clank. I think to myself it's only Francis, but then I over hear something.

"So how are you holding up mon cher?" Obviously Francis, "Any sign yet?"

I hear a chair move and a heavy sigh, "No." My world spins because I know that voice. _I know that voice_. I know it like my own. Antonio and I are in the same place, "I know it's only been a little while, but it's not the same without my little tomato… What did I do wrong?" I hear the catch to his tone. He's trying not to cry. It takes all of my resolve not to go and sit in his lap and lean into his chest. It takes all I have to turn and run back to my room, careful not to make noise.

I'm leaving again. I have to skip out on breakfast, _again_. All of this dodging and weaving can't be good for my immune system. I dress quick, smelling the freshness of clean clothes. Then I weave my way to the front door, and out. I wasn't quick enough. The door slams, and I bolt.

"Lovino Vargas!" I hear my name being yelled, it's Antonio, he's chasing me. I duck my head and run as hard as I can. It's pointless I know, he's faster and stronger than me. And in a few seconds I feel his arms slip around me and haul me up over his shoulder as I twist and try to wrench myself away.

I only successfully knock us to the ground, him on top of me.

"Why," he breathes, "why did you leave?" his jaw is clenched, and he's furious.

I look away, "I had to."

He grabs my face and forces me to look at him, "_Tell me why_." He growls, I've never seen him like this.

I try to push myself out from under him, it's no use really, my bag is pretty much stuck under my back, and his knees have me locked in place. Plan B then, "Because I'm dying." I saw without fear or hesitation, "And it's all. Your. Fault."

He drops my face, "What?" I take the leverage and worm my way out. He's tense now. And I take my moment of shock to run. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm getting there fast. I hate confrontation like that, but it had to be done.

He's not stupid, he's not done fighting for me. I know that. But this gives me time to hide again. I won't make the same mistake twice.


	6. Stop

Sorry I've taken a while, but I'll try to hurry my chapters more. Especially since it's getting dramatic.

* * *

I've been lying on Alfred's couch for about half an hour when he finally walks in.

He jumps about a foot in the air when he sees me, "Dude! Don't do that! How did you get in?"

I raise an eyebrow, "Your door was unlocked."

He blinks at me, "Well yeah, but you don't just let yourself in."

I smirk, "I already did. Do you want me to go outside and knock?"

He rolls his eyes but laughs anyway, "No. It's fine." He lifts my feet and sits under them, "So should I call Antoni-"

"No!" I shout bolting up, "Why do you all automatically assume that I need him!?"

"Woah, hey! I didn't mean it like that! It's just that he's pretty much going mental worrying about you."

I flop back down, "I know. I just saw him."

"Then why didn't you go home?"

"I don't want to." I say simply, but that's a lie, I do want to go home. But I can't yet.

Then the phone rings. Alfred answers it and looks at me, _'it's Antonio'_ he mouths.

"Put it on speaker." I whisper. And he does.

"So what's up?" Alfred asks, like I'm not eavesdropping.

Antonio's voice cracks, "I saw him! And he told me he's dying! And it was my fault! And I don't know what to do!" Alfred looks shocked at me.

"Okay, breathe dude." He says to the phone still wide eyed at me.

"I can't." he replies, "I can't do anything without him." I gasp. Why would he say that? He couldn't do anything _with _me!

"What do you mean?" Alfred asks not taking his eyes off me, but all I can do is stare at the phone.

"I don't want to do anything. I don't want to breathe; I don't want to _live_ if I can't see him."

I feel tears slip out. I feel horrible. I want to go home. I want to say something to him. But I can't. It feels like my vocal chords have been snipped and all I can do is listen.

"So why are you telling me this?" Alfred asks.

"Because," he sniffs, "I was hoping he was there… He was at Arthur's when I saw him. Arthur said he was probably going places I wouldn't think of. I called Ivan, but nothing… so I was thinking…"

Alfred looked at me with puppy dog eyes.

Then I feel myself falling. Literally. I start screaming again and the pounding in my ears and I can feel my blood rushing as I hit the floor.

"Lovino!" Alfred screams and I hear the phone hit the ground.

"Lovino!?" Antonio yells, "What's happening?!"

Alfred tries to stop me from screaming but there's nothing he can do now. I feel it. I'm literally slipping away. If this is how Gilbert felt, no wonder he left before he died.

"Antonio! I don't know what to do! He just keeps screaming and shaking on the floor! What the hell do I do!?" Alfred yells into the phone.

I faintly see him lay the phone by me.

"Lovino…" Antonio says gently, like he used to when I had a nightmare, "Feliciano is here with me. He says he's getting stronger or something… And I know what you meant before… I didn't know…"

I whack the phone across the room.

I get this huge shiver before I stop. Like, everything stops. I stop moving. I stop hearing noise. I stop feeling. _I stop breathing._

And all I can think is, _I'm sorry Toni… I'm so sorry…_

But then I can't even see anything.


	7. Lost Without

**Beep.** That's the first thing I hear.

**Beep.** There it is again.

"..stable…"

Everything's a blur. There's no words that make sense. There's no sounds that don't hurt my ears. I can't even feel myself. I feel like I'm floating. My eyes don't open. My heart feels shut off. I'm cold. If I could move, or if I was aware that I was moving, I'd probably be shivering.

**Beep.**

"…okay?"

The world seems slowly coming back into focus.

"…hear me?"

**Beep.**

Suddenly the world comes into focus and my eyes snap open as I gasp.

"Lovino!" Antonio shouts from beside me, "Don't move! Are you hurt? Tell me what's wrong!"

I look at him; it hurts to focus my eyes. He's a mess. He hasn't slept much, if at all. He smells horrible – he obviously hasn't showered. His hand clutches mine; it's a desperate I-can't-lose-you kind of grasp. It doesn't matter, I can't feel it anyway.

"I'm fine." I rasp. My throat burns. My everything hurts, and the things that don't hurt I can't feel.

"Don't lie Lovi." Toni sighs, "Tell me how you really feel."

I roll my eyes, and then wince because that hurts too. I'm in a hospital. And everything is a dull grey or white colour. Even I feel duller than I was, "I feel like shit." I hiss, ignoring the burn in my throat and the fact I don't even sound like me, "Where's Feliciano? I thought he'd be stuck here like you."

It's a fact. Feliciano is more caring than me. He's more affectionate. More loving. It seems natural that he'd be here. But he's not. Probably out sobbing with Ludwig somewhere.

Antonio shifts oddly. He lets go of my hand, "Can you stand up?" he asks.

I roll my eyes again. He laughs nervously, then reaches under me and lifts me with ease.

"So," I say, trying to link my arms around his neck, "Where is Feli?"

He says nothing but carries me out and down the hall and then into another room.

My heart sinks. My breath catches in my throat. I barely conceal a scream that threatens to break everything around me. I can't make sense of anything as Antonio sets me on the bed, then joins Ludwig by the window.

I try to find words. I try to reach out. I try to do something. But there's nothing. I knew what he did. Why? I'll never know.

* * *

More coming really soon! Thanks for all the reviews!


	8. Heart Break

"Feliciano!" I plead, shaking his shoulders. The machine next to him is slowly beeping. And is constantly getting slower, "_Feli, please!_"

I sob, and it hurts, and I don't care.

"WHY!?" I yell at Ludwig, "_WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM!?"_

Ludwig looks at me with sad eyes, then he shakes his head, "I tried…" he whispers.

I look at the stack of papers that I knocked off the table with my outburst.

_I, Feliciano Vargas, hereby sign all details in my property to one Lovino Vargas  
in hopes he will regain his independence and strength to live on as a country._

I skim the rest of it. And at the bottom, I see his signature, the curly lines that say he gave up his life as a country in order to save mine.

"Get out." I hiss. My throat burns, "NOW."

Antonio sits next to me on the edge of the bed, "We have just as much right to be here as you do." He soothes. It doesn't work.

"No," I finally scream, "You don't! He's my brother! He's my family! He's _my responsibility!_ I fucked up! I made stupid choices and they affected _him_ not me! I can't let him go! Not like this!"

A nurse finally comes in, "Sir, please lower your voice."

"Fuck you" I growl.

She glances at Antonio and Ludwig who sigh in response before gripping my arm and dragging me away.

"Feliciano! PLEASE! WAKE UP!" I scream as I sob, "Let me go! Let me be with him! Toni! Please!"

They strap me down to my stupid bed, and they just don't get it do they? My little brother is three doors down _dying_ because he gave his life for me! So I could live! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE! I can't lose him. I can't. He's the only real family I have. I can't do it. Not like this.

I thrash around and scream at the top of my lungs. I don't care about the fact it hurts or if they'll lock me up in a sych ward for who knows how long. _I want to see my little brother one last time._

I want to hear him sing again, even though when we were little I always told him to shut up. I want to see him draw once more, even though I always said he was terrible at it. I want to tell him that I love him, one last time, because I know I can never say it enough.

"Feliciano! Goddamit all! Can't you hear me! Don't you dare give up on me! I'll never forgive you if you do!" I know I'm yelling at nothing. I know I'm being ridiculous. I know Antonio is probably a total wreck, and Ludwig too even though he won't admit it.

"please…" I whisper.

Then I feel it. The extra strength, the little extra push to my nation. But I don't want to feel it, because I know what it means.

Now I know what losing Gilbert felt like to Ludwig. And I hate it. I hate it more than anything I've felt before in my life.


	9. Trading Me For You

It's an hour before they let me go. I know because I spent every second staring at the clock.

I feel fine now. Perfect really. Godlike maybe. _I hate it._

I groan. The door creaks open, Antonio.

"Have you calmed down yet?" he sighs.

I glare at him. He's a fucking idiot! My little brother is in the other room _dead_, _all because of me_.

"No." I hiss, "I will never _calm down_, idiota! I hate you!" it no longer hurts my throat.

He pleads with his eyes, "Well then I guess you can't see him."

My heart races, "No. Please. I'll behave! I promise! Please! Please let me see him! _Please Toni…_"

He smiles weakly as he releases my hands and feet.

I already know where to go, and I want to run. But I said I'd behave, so I grip his hand and try to ready myself.

"Is he dead…?" I whisper.

He doesn't say anything, but his grip gets tighter. That's my answer.

I let my hair fall over my eyes as he leads me in. Ludwig's gone. Or at least missing.

Feliciano lies on the stupid dull bed. There are no machines hooked up to him. There are no sounds but my uneven breath. There's no signs if he's dead, but I know he has to be because I'm fine now.

"I'll give you a minute…" Antonio whispers, kissing my cheek, letting go of my hand, and then marching out into the hall, slowly closing the door.

I hear the click, and then I'm over to Feliciano.

"brother…" I say, gripping his lifeless hand, "come back… _please_." Tears blur my vision.

I look down at my feet. There's a paper sticking out from under the bed. I guess they forgot one. I bend down, careful not to let go of his hand.

_I, __hereby sign half of my duties to one __  
in hopes they will help me become a better leader and in whole a better nation.  
We will become as one entity together and work together to protect our people._

This is my miracle. This is what I asked for. _This is my chance to get him back._

I dart my eyes around for a pen.

_Please. Please. Please. _I repeat over and over in my head. I open my hand. There's a pen in Feliciano's grasp. I smile at him, "You and me are going home, _together._"

I glance around, and quickly move the machines to where I think they all go and what they do, because I know he'll need the breathing monitor and I know I will probably need a bunch of this shit when it happens but I don't care about me now.

I quickly scribble his name in, and then my name and I finally place my signature at the bottom.

_Please, dear God work!_ I beg silently. I wait.

And I wait.

And then I scream.

_He's fucking breathing!_

"Antonio!" I scream and the burning feeling is back, and I'm crying because I'm so happy, "Come quick!"

The door fly's open, and Antonio rushes in. I leap into his arms, "I'm sorry! I didn't mean anything." I quickly place a kiss in almost every place I can see on his face, his neck, his arms, "But look! Feli's okay! He's breathing! Get Ludwig!"

"…Vino?" he said my name!

I turn around and he's sitting up, arms open. I run to him, and I hug him so tight I'm scared I might break him.

I'm crying because I'm so damn happy, "I thought I lost you! Why the fuck would you do that for me?! Don't you _ever_ try to save my life again! Goddamnit Feliciano Carlo Vargas! If you died because of me, I'd kill myself. Ti amo!"

He laughs, and I watch the pain spread across his face as he lets go, "I've never seen you this affectionate before. I like it." He smiles at me and I press my forehead to his.

"Don't get used to it." And we share a smile.

* * *

It's not over yet! Don't worry! Ludwig's reaction to come, and Lovino's trip home with his precious (dysfunctional) family.


End file.
